Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
