he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
