My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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