When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
