i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
