here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
