Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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