I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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