I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
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they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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