New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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