Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
