I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize