shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
