Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
