So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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