So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
