My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
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Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize