college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
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He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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