I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
