im drinking this country out of the recession.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
