i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Randomize
