Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
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Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
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I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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