so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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