wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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