there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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