I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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