Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
