Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
