can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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