so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
