my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
