Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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