Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
