I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
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you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
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you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.