I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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