I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
