She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
