she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
