How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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