I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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