I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
