If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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