After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
