Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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