We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the night ended with taco bell and tears
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
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