he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's never too late to be topless.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
