literally had 100 drinks last night.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
