the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
