we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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