If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
