just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
