How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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