Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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