he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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