apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
