my mouth tastes like poor choices
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
